


King Rodney and the Unsatisfactory Jester

by mific



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Alternate Universe, Bawdy, Drabble, Ficlet, Humor, John is a very strange jester, M/M, Porn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-10
Updated: 2020-06-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:20:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24639838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mific/pseuds/mific
Summary: He was the unfunniest jester imaginable.
Relationships: Rodney McKay/John Sheppard
Comments: 5
Kudos: 41





	King Rodney and the Unsatisfactory Jester

**Author's Note:**

> This is from a 2012 McShep Match drabble tree which I failed to post to AO3, back in the day. The rule was that at least one word in a drabble had to be used in the following one. Each drabble's 100 words, minus the title.  
> Then a bit later I thought I'd expand the initial drabble into a less lewd fic, but I didn't get very far so it's an abandoned WIP. It kind of works as a ficlet, though (~340 words). Posting it all now to AO3 as I'd forgotten it, and as [Elderwitty](https://elderwitty.dreamwidth.org/profile) wanted a better link for the [Giant McShep AU List](https://www.squidge.org/GiantMcShepAUList/the-actual-list/) which is being updated at present, yay! :)

(the initial drabble sequence)

**Unfunny**

King Rodney was bored.

He kicked his useless jester. "Entertain me!"

Sheppard startled awake. "What? How?"

"That's your job!"

He was the unfunniest jester imaginable. He wouldn't wear motley, just black. He kept losing the hats with bells – Rodney'd found three so far, stuffed behind tapestries. One was hacked up in the jousting yard, which was disturbing.

Rodney scowled. "If my last jester hadn't vanished, you'd be unemployed. How ever did you pass jester school?"

"Didn't."

"Then why are you here?"

"I'm your bodyguard."

"I need a bodyguard? Against what?"

"Clowns," said Sheppard darkly. "It's okay – I dealt with him."

**Just Checking**

"You can't come in here!" King Rodney tried to push the thick door shut, but Sheppard slipped past him.

"Is there no privacy?" complained Rodney, exasperated beyond measure.

Sheppard peered suspiciously down the stone chute of the garderobe.

"See any _clowns_ down there?" Rodney asked nastily.

"Nope, you're good to go."

Rodney tapped his foot. "Well?"

"Well what?" asked Sheppard, the fool. Rodney rolled his eyes. If only.

"When are you buggering off to let me shit in peace?"

"You want me to go?"

"Oh for Christ's sake!" Rodney pushed him out the door.

"I'll be right outside!" called Sheppard.

**Thorough**

"When you say 'bodyguard'" Rodney said thoughtfully, "We're talking about _my_ body, right?"

"Yeah," agreed Sheppard, bouncing a little. They were sitting on King Rodney's enormous bed.

"So how can you guard it if you can't see it?" Rodney plucked at his shirt. "Under all these clothes."

Sheppard frowned. "I could take them off," he suggested.

Rodney nodded. "There might be clowns hiding in the folds," he said seriously. "Tiny ones."

Sheppard growled and pinned him to the bed, stripping him ruthlessly, buttons flying.

"Make sure you check thoroughly," said Rodney as Sheppard rolled him over and spread his legs.

**Crafty**

"I don't think there are clowns up my ass, Sheppard," said King Rodney, biting his lip.

"Might be," muttered Sheppard, spreading the king's cheeks wider. "Can't hurt to check."

"It can, actually," gasped Rodney. "But you can use your tongue."

"Okay," said Sheppard, "Good idea." He got right down to it, all business.

"Nrrggh," moaned Rodney some time later, as Sheppard surfaced.

"Can’t get in far enough," panted Sheppard, wiping his mouth. "Crafty fuckers could be lurking further up." He pushed a finger in as far as it would go and swivelled it.

Rodney whimpered and clawed at the covers.

**Temporary Fix**

"This'll sort them out," said Sheppard, dripping King Rodney's imported almond oil into the royal ass. "They won't like this."

"Oh God," slurred Rodney, as Sheppard pushed oil slicked fingers in.

"That's more like it," Sheppard said, satisfied. "Really getting up there now." He curled his fingers and Rodney came all over the mattress.

"We're almost there," Sheppard reassured him. "I think we got them. I'll just use my cock to be sure."

He arranged Rodney's boneless body and fucked him hard, yelling "Take that you bastards!"

"Drowned them?" asked King Rodney, afterwards. "For now," panted Sheppard, collapsed beside him.

(The ficlet)

**King Rodney and the Unsatisfactory Jester**

King Rodney was bored.

He kicked his useless jester. "Entertain me!"

Sheppard startled awake. "What? How?"

"That's _your_ job!"

He was the unfunniest jester imaginable. He wouldn't wear motley, just black. He kept losing the hats with bells – Rodney'd found three so far, stuffed behind tapestries. One was hacked up in the jousting yard, which was disturbing.

Rodney scowled. "If my last jester hadn't vanished, you'd be unemployed. How ever did you pass jester school?"

"Didn't."

"Then why are you here?"

"I'm your bodyguard."

"I need a bodyguard? Against what?"

"Clowns," said Sheppard darkly. "It's okay – I dealt with him."

*****

"I could teach you to joust," offered Rodney's upstart of a jester. They were watching courtiers thundering down the tilt-yard, lances splintering and mud flying.

Rodney considered having Sheppard beheaded but regretfully set that aside. You were supposed to let jesters say anything they liked; it was bad form to have them executed. Rodney's old tutor used to say it kept a king humble. Rodney'd thought it moronic then and he was even more firmly of that view now that he was grown and had claimed his throne. What was the point of being a king if you had to be humble? Arrant nonsense.

"I _don't_ joust," Rodney said crossly to Sheppard, who was draped infuriatingly across the steps of the throne. "I _watch_ other people jousting."

"Might need to impale someone," suggested Sheppard. "You never know."

"I have _people_ to do my impaling for me!" snapped Rodney, losing patience. "Because I'm the _King!_ "

Sheppard smirked and made a lewd gesture. " _All_ your impaling?"

Rodney slumped back onto the throne and threw an arm over his eyes. "Spare me your not at all rapier-like wit. It's like being stabbed with a carrot."

"I like carrots," Sheppard said thoughtfully. "Make you sharp-sighted, even in the dark. Useful, that, for a bodyguard."

"For the umpteenth time," hissed Rodney, uncovering his eyes and leaning forward, "you're _not_ my bodyguard. You're my _fool!_ "

Sheppard nodded. "Disguise's working then," he said, looking pleased.

(end)


End file.
